Friday, April 2, 2010

Who I am vs. What I am

I've been struggling with this a lot recently. I work doing a job I really don't enjoy, for a company I don't enjoy working for, with no idea what exactly I could realistically do if I wasn't doing what I'm doing now. I'd love to play music, live in the mountains or tropics with my lovely wife, travel the world. But what I am so often gets in the way of who I want to be.

I could go on about this for hours, but I'll simply say that it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to rationalize to myself (I do a lot of inner arguing) why I have not been more proactive in trying to be who I want to be. I spend a lot more time mundanely focusing on what I am.

I'm becoming convinced that the only way to flip the equation is to give the internal argument up. We Christians always say "I'm going to give this or that to God". It's a cliche anymore, a promise that most of us don't have the willpower to carry out. If I truly feel that God wants me to be who I am (defined by me as someone who seeks out God's plan for our lives, which happens to fall in line with the true desires of our hearts), then I need to give over the worry that I will always be what I am to God.

I don't know how to go about doing this. Is it a simple statement, a prayer, to God? Is it a magical combination of human willpower and heavenly assistance? Or is it just an inner decision to put our who/what in our hands, extend them to God, and let him take that part of ourselves? Because if so, that's kinda scary for me. I'm not that trusting. Which is sad. I call myself a Christian and yet don't trust God enough to hand him my hopes and dreams in exchange for something light years better.

I'm probably going in circles with this internal dilemma. But I've come to the realization recently that I can't just continually refer to myself as a terrible Christian. That solves nothing. I've also realized that part of the reason I'm a terrible Christian is because I do not trust God with all of my life, only portions. The solution is obvious, but the method is not.

Ah, the pain of being human.

Happy Easter folks :)

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